I NEED A RESOLUTION

So we are riding in the car and he is driving and I am smoking and we are listening to Mos Def and Talib Kweli define and redefine themselves and he is quiet and I am singing and the road is long and there is nothing else to do. And with the window slightly open, the air turns cold and my lungs grow weak but it is warm inside and we still have a while to go. In the meantime, the sun has set. Idle and non-conversational, the drive has transmogrified into a perpetual lull. As I start to think that this is all very anticlimactic, I am struck with the profound vision that we are Sean (he) and Lauren (I) roadtripping around the country with deep-rooted bouts of mutual self loathing, social inerts (I) doing coke at gas stations and staying at cheap motels - stalling - until we run out of money. And as I make the obtuse cognitive parallels, the silence becomes strangely dire until

I laugh.

I am not a character in a book, much less that character in that book.

And although I like to write bits about my life, my life does not these written bits make.

Another card from the Wild Treats Osho Neo-Tarot Deck.  Selected two days in a row:

28. SELF ACCEPTANCE

You can be no one but who you are.  So relax!  Existence needs you as you are.

I have heard:

A king went into his garden and found wilted and dying trees, shrubs, and flowers.

The oak said it was dying because it could not be tall like the pine.  Turning to the pine, he found it drooping because it was unable to bear grapes like the vine.  And the vine was dying because it could not blossom like the rose.

Then he found one plant, hearts-ease, blooming and as fresh as ever.  Upon inquiry, he received this reply:

“I took it for granted that when you planted me you wanted hearts-ease.  If you had desired an oak, a vine, or a rose, you would have planted them.  So I thought, since I can be nothing but what I am, I shall try to be that to the best of my ability.”

You are hear because this existence needs you to be as you are!  Otherwise somebody else would have been here.  You are fulfilling something very essential, something very fundamental as you are.

Why should you become a Buddha?  If God had wanted another Buddha, he could have produced as many Buddhas as he wanted.  He produced only one Buddha and that was enough.  Since then he has not produced another Buddha, or another Christ.  He has created you instead.  Just think of the respect the universe has given to you!  You have been chosen _ not Buddha, not Christ, not Krishna.

Their work is done, they have contributed their fragrance to existence.  Now you are here to contribute your fragrance.

Just look at yourself.  You can be only yourself..there is no possibility that you can be anybody else.  You can enjoy it and bloom, or you can wither away and condemn it.

I am seriously getting a tarot deck when I get home as a part of my daily meditation.  First highlighted card.

BREATH——

There is something about this moment - about being at the Intersection of Yesterday and the Ever-Looming Infinity - that has me standing here struck before it, breathless. I don’t know what to say or do but look up and become eclipsed by the sun.

Thank you, I want to whisper.

And I do.

OH, POOH

Today is such a Winnie-The-Pooh day.

The air is autumn, crisp and clean.
The leaves are eddying in the wind.

It makes me want to stick my paw in a pot of hunny and say, “oh, bother.”

RELATIVE AMBIVALENCE

I feel like there is too much information coming in at once.

I don’t really want to write an online entry. It will seem as though I am simply eliciting pity and / or sounding melodramatic when I really am and want anything but. I first switched on the television, minutes after the first strike occurred, to stare in wide-eyed amazement at the smoking building. At a loss, really. The first strike hit. Then the second. Collapse; walk to class; collapse. The reality of the situation didn’t hit me until - en route - I bumped into a colleague of mine. I greeted him with a “can you fucking believe it?” I pressed the elevator button with my thumb. My question was met with red wet eyes.

“You know, you may be smiling, but I’m from Manhattan and my family lives in New York.”

I didn’t mean to smile.

After 11:30, Classes were cancelled.

…Read the rest of the entry here.